How do I even begin to describe how I am feeling right now? I tend to do this thing where I am able to bottle up my emotions until I burst. And after my hour long sob fest, I realized that might not be the best way to handle my feelings.
Today was a day of extreme highs and extreme lows. Not only are the kids getting very comfortable around us, but the staff is as well. As I mentioned in a previous post, the staff, or disciples, are for the most part teenagers, which makes it really fun for me. In the Cambodian culture, interaction between genders (except for children) is kind of limited. But within each gender. It's a sort of free-for-all. As in, there's no such thing as bubble space, and there are an endless amount of pranks. I feel like my all-girls highschool really prepared me well for this dynamic. Here it's perfectly normal to (lightly) kick someone (of the same gender and age group) behind their knees and then run away and pretend like someone else did it. I'm really liking this whole hit and run thing. I'll probably be doing it even when we get back home and get labeled as the crazy person who hits people and then runs away.
One thing that's funny about Kid's Club is that there are usually at least three to four kids completely asleep, conked out on the floor for the whole session. So when we go down to lunch, my mom points out a cute little girl about four years old sprawled out in the corner near our table. I didn't really give it a thought except for: it's crazy how these kids can sleep with so much noise around. After lunch is served and our meal is prayed over, my mom motions me aside with tears in her eyes. She tells me that she found out that the little girl who is sleeping was just rescued from a home where she was physically and sexually abused. And I physically feel sick. We pray over the situation and I do that thing where I bottle up my emotions. The rest of the day goes smoothly and I enjoy my time with the kids and staff. We get into the van and Clay and Justin start telling us about their day at the Lord's Gym. Clay tells us about how he basically witnessed a guy inappropriatly touching a young boy. And how in America, Clay would have arrested the guy then and there, but here, after talking to the people in charge, he found out they can't do anything until they investigate further. Meanwhile, there is this guy on the loose who might be molesting children. And the pit in my stomach grows as I continue to push my emotions down. We get back to our hotel and I feel so sick all I can do is sleep. I get woken up to have dinner on the balcony. After we are finished the others go back to their rooms. I grab my Bible and my notepad and go back out to the balcony. Where I immediately break down. I don't understand. I don't understand why anyone would want to hurt another human being like that. Especially a child, an innocent. I don't understand how anyone becomes so sick, so twisted. Do they not get the damage it causes? Doing something like that to a person literally breaks them. It robs them of joy, of peace, of hope, and sometimes, of the ability to love. It takes a lively and vibrant child and turns them into a ghost of who they once were.
This is why I'm here. I want to come back here after college and stay for a year and be one of the people who protect these children from this evil. Who restores, and acts as a vessel through which they can feel God's love for them. To show them that they are intrinsically valuable no matter what's been done to them or what they've gone through. And to give them hope, for themselves, and for the future of their country.
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